I can be less of a people-pleaser, if, you know, that pleases you. During any sort of social interaction, be it with a friend, a family member, or the girl taking my order at the coffee shop, I strive to behave in a way that will make the other person as happy as possible. Obviously, this causes problems in all areas of life, but it has an especially profound effect on my romantic endeavors. Not if that involves giving up their interests, values, or overall identity. People-pleasers, however, are so accustomed to adjusting their behavior to match different situations that they end up losing that inherent sense of self that is essential for romantic success or, for that matter, any other kind of genuine fulfillment. Love is personal. People-pleasers, though, always worry about how others feel. When we begin new relationships, we wonder what everyone else in our life will think of this person. And, sometimes, we commit to relationships that are potentially unhealthy, because we feel that our partner is the kind of person our friends and family will like. Speaking of which.
Pleasers and Controllers
Hi, my name is Natasha and I am a recovering people pleaser. I was never happy with myself, painfully insecure, and more than anything… I just wanted to fit in and be liked. Recovering from the disease to please has been one of the most difficult paths to remain on. Because of this, you end up becoming a magnet for toxic relationships.
But her people-pleasing reached a breaking point when she was giving all of herself to someone she was dating — and not placing enough.
10 Reliable Indicators of a People Pleaser
Kyle is a classic people-pleaser. Instead of telling Lucy, he makes excuses for not enrolling in classes. Kyle feels stuck. People-pleasers are like chameleons, always trying to blend in. Being a chameleon can be a survival skill in unsafe relationships. The best way to do this is to be a people-pleaser.
You would think that dating someone who loved making others happy would be great but it was actually the complete opposite.
She said if there was anyone in the world who had a problem with her , that was their issue, not hers. This explosion can manifest outward, for example, in a fit of temper, or it can turn inward, calcifying into resentment and depression. So why am I, along with so many other people, wired this way? Were we born like this, or were we made? Not surprisingly, codependents and people-pleasers both tend to pick up this behavior in childhood.
Short answer: no.
Are You a People Pleaser?
Last year, I went on a ten-day work trip to Europe with a coworker who also happened to an ex. My boyfriend at the time was … concerned. My ex and I had a job to do together, and we, of course , would have to speak during that time. Really, how could pleasing people be bad?
Why do people pleasers pick the wrong partners? If you’re currently dating or want to date, notice if you have chosen your partner for the right.
People-pleasers appear to be very thoughtful. At first, this sounds like the ideal person to have in your life! After all, if they are set out to make you happy, who could ask for anything more? People-pleasers are seen as thoughtful and kind. And they really are, but they are usually looking for reciprocation of some sort. They do what they can to please others hoping to receive similar treatment in return I know this from experience, being a former people-pleaser myself.
A people-pleaser needs to find someone who enjoys attention and being pleased. Many times, this type of person can become dependent on the people-pleaser and enjoy being waited on hand and foot. The takers keep taking because the pleasers keep giving.
10 Signs You’re a Chronic People Pleaser—and How to Stop
Hint: Telling you what you want to hear isn’t loving People Pleasers Pleasers are the ultimate shape-shifters. They change form depending on their audience; which makes trusting them nearly impossible. Your partner can’t or won’t make a final decision, so you’re in the lead with most daily decisions, from dinner plans to date night.
Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I spent quite a high amount of my precious time trying. Trying to be perfect. Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me. Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and approved of. The truth is that I wanted people to like me.
People-pleasing is an unhealthy behavior, a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is disempowering, inauthentic, and extremely time- and energy-consuming.
Date Your Wife Podcast Episode #96: People Pleaser or Conflict Avoider?
And perhaps even more relevant given that just under half of marriages end in divorce, what are the most common reasons given for divorce that can inform what it would be helpful to discuss before you even get married? A lack of trust in yourself can be easy to cover up and ignore for a while. But we can all think of people, maybe ourselves, who are great at what they do, but are riddled with doubts and self-criticism.
They have no backbone. Your partner also tells family, friends, or coworkers what he or she thinks they want to hear — even when you know what your mate said is not the truth.
Stylerunner’s online magazine dedicated to the news you need to know about 2. They will back down as soon as there is a whiff of conflict so as not to upset someone. People pleasers tend to have more unequal and insecure relationships and tend also to be prone to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Usually, because of a long history of emotional neglect and conditional love dating back to childhood, people pleasers fear conflict. They believe that any disagreement will cause rejection and that they will lose the love or respect they want unless they agree or give in.
They believe they have to work hard for the love and admiration that they get, rather than holding a belief that they are valuable and worthwhile for just being them. People pleasers are often also relatively unaware of their own needs and feelings and will rarely ask for help even if they do know what they require from others. Because people pleasing is often such an old, ingrained habit, it can take a while to break.
However, if you are a people pleaser and want to break this habit, you can start by following these tips:.